My Ride or Die Makeup Products

Hello, yes, I know it's been a while since my last blog post. I'm still trying to figure out a regular posting schedule, If any of you guys have any recommendations, please let me know. Would you like to see posts once a week? once a fortnight? Let me know!

 

 

Now, I like to think of the ride or die makeup tag as if I only had ONE last opportunity to buy makeup products again, what would I buy? So here is a list of my ride or die makeup products. I'll be listing them in order of how I do my makeup. Now, some products I have unfortunately left behind in England (I know, I'm kicking myself) so please excuse the proper photos for those!

EYEBROWS

MAC Eyebrows in Spiked
RRP: $29

I'm not sure if I've found my ride or die eyebrow product yet, but I can confidently say this is the closest thing to it. This self-sharpening mechanical pencil carves out the brows perfectly and allows you to give your brows a soft or more intense look. Super easy to use and reasonably priced, especially from MAC.

Eyebrow Gel
NYX CONTROL FREAK Eyebrow Gel
RRP: $9

This is a cheap but very effective translucent eyebrow gel, that locks everything down in place and my eyebrows do not budge or move. They look just as good at the end of the day as they do when I first apply them. Something to keep in mind is the wand is very similar to a big mascara wand, while that works for me, it may not work for you. Check it out for yourself above,

BASE: PART 1

Moisturiser: 

MAC Strobe Cream in Gold Lite
RRP: $55

This cream is amazing, its hydrating and also gives your skin a very healthy and dewy glow that is perfect on the skin by itself, or underneath makeup. This also helps any redness I have and a little goes a long way. It has the most beautiful gold reflects.

Primer: 

Too Faced Hangover Primer
RRP: $22-$46

A very hydrating and luxurious primer. Scented with coconut, it leaves my skin smooth and soft, creating the perfect base for foundation to sit wonderfully on top. I'm surprised by how much I actually reach for this primer over my Benefit Porefessional, and it helps my make up stay on all day.

EYES

Primer:

Urban Decay Original Eyeshadow Primer Potion Paraben Free
RRP: $20-$33

I always use a primer for my eyeshadow as I have very oily eyelids, so I usually prime first and then set my eyes with the RCMA No Color Powder as I find that my eyeshadow lasts longer when I set it with powder rather than just using the eyeshadow primer on its own.

Eyeshadow:

Colourpop Pressed Eye Shadows- Custom Palette
RRP:$4-$5 Eyeshadow Singles
RRP: $12-$18 Curated Palette
RRP: $7 - Empty Colourpop Magnetic Palette

What I love about Colourpop is that their products are so incredibly cheap but such high quality. I bought one curated palette and 6 individual shadows. The great thing about Colourpop's curated palette's is that they are magnetic, so it's very easy to take the eyeshadows out of their palette and putting it into my own custom palette with the additional 6 shades. The shadows are pigmented, creamy and so easy to blend, making my own custom palette is wonderful as it's the perfect palette that has everything I need.

Another worthy mention is the Anastasia Beverly Hills Modern Renaissance that is just as lovely to use, The link takes you to a website that is by far the cheapest way to get the palette. It is $42USD that converts to $53AUD as opposed to buying it at Sephora for $75AUD.

Eyeliner:

Smashbox Always On Gel Eye Liner in Fishnet 
RRP: $26

Image Source: Mecca

Okay, I know what you're thinking, "What the fuck? That's so expensive for eyeliner" to which I'll say, you're totally right. This eyeliner is expensive, but my goodness is it worth every penny. This doesn't move, it is the darkest black and I'll use it to tight-line and will apply it about halfway across my waterline before I use a smudging brush to make it look a little messy. It brings my whole look together and makes my lashes look darker than they are. It doesn't run and it looks just as good at the end of the day than when I first applied it.


Liquid Eyeliner:

Stila Stay All Day Waterproof Eye Liner
RRP: $31

Image Source: Mecca

Another expensive eyeliner, I am aware, although this eyeliner is an absolute necessity if you are living in a country that has humid hot weather. It is the deepest black and does not budge regardless of if it's raining, hailing or shine. It dries down a little shiny and is so easy to use and can make applying simple even for those of you who struggle applying eyeliner.


Mascara:

Benefit Cosmetics Roller Lash in Black
RRP: $42

I have been a lover of Benefit mascara's for the longest time, I think they have some of the best mascaras in the makeup industry. Roller Lash will give my lashes volume, length and a beautiful curl that holds and lasts all day. It doesn't get clumpy and makes my lashes appear bigger than what they are, which is all I can ask for as who has time for false lashes? Not this girl.

BASE: PART 2

Hydrating Mist:

Mario Badescu Spray With Aloe, Herbs, and Rosewater
RRP: $9-$17

I bought the $9 bottle of this over a year ago and only now am I starting to run out. What I love about this spray is that it gives your makeup an instant refresh and makes your skin look MORE like skin. I will usually dot my foundation all over my face, then spray this spray before buffing it in with a Real Techniques buffing brush.

Foundation:

The Ordinary Foundation in 2.1 P Medium Pink Undertones and 2.0 in Light Medium Yellow Undertones With Gold Highlights
RRP: $12.90

This foundation is amazing. The best part? it's $12.90AUD! It applies absolutely beautifully, I dot the foundation around my face. Then I use my Mario Badescu spray and with a beauty blender I blend it all in and it creates the most stunning finish. This in conjunction with the spray and MAC strobe cream it creates the perfect dewy base. This foundation is more on the matte side so using a good hydrating spray or glowing primer will help achieve that dewy finish. So cheap and such high quality, music to my ears.

Concealer:

Nars Radiant Creamy Concealer in Custard
RRP: $44

I'll admit, I purchased this concealer due to all the hype surrounding it, but it lives up to the expectations completely. It's so hydrating and easy to blend, I find it best to use a beauty blender as I can control the coverage the concealer gives me. It's so creamy and makes any blemishes, dark circles and scarring completely disappear. I've already gone through one completely (I hardly ever completely use up products) and have just purchased another. I would be lost without it!

Contour: 

NYX Wonder Stick in Dark
RRP: $19.95

I've only recently purchased this, but GOD DAMN is it amazing. I do have the ABH contour kit but I'd be lying if I said it didn't intimidate me. This is so incredibly easy to use and so so easy to blend out and isn't intimidating to use. It's cheap and its very easy to travel with. I've been looking at contour sticks for a while, from the Smashbox ones to Kim K's and I am very happy and satisfied with my NYX one.

Setting Powder:

RCMA No Colour Powder
RRP: $24

I have had this powder for nearly a year and I've barely made a dent in it. It's so smooth and finely milled, I will use this to bake under my eyes and also set my eye primer. I will then use a thin layer to set my face as I prefer a dewy finish. The only negative about this product is the container it comes in, it's very awkward to use and can be quite messy. For the price, it's absolutely brilliant and will have no flash-back, doesn't alter the appearance of your foundation and has no perfume so it won't irritate those sensitive to smell.

Bronzer:

Too Faced Sweethearts Baked Luminous Glow Bronzer in Sweet Tea
RRP: $44

This bronzer is AMAZING. It is so easy to blend and creates the most beautiful sheen. I usually don't use contour and will normally just go in with bronzer and use it as a two in one. It makes me look sunkissed and glowing, it is so complimentary to my skin tone. I am getting darker (Indian genes, man.) so I will be needing to get another bronzer if anyone has any recommendations for me, I would absolutely love to hear them!

Cream Highlighter:

Benefit Cosmetics Watts Up! Highlighter
RRP: $53

I've only had this highlighter for a month or so, but my goodness am I hooked. It is the perfect "lit from within glow" that looks natural but can also be buildable. There are no chunky glitters, which can honestly put me off a highlighter and has the most lovely shine to it. The highlighter is very easy to blend so it looks more seamless. I do not use the sponge on the end of the highlighter as I find it difficult to use, so I use a beauty blender to soften the edges so it looks more natural. This highlighter is the best everyday highlighter to add to your collection.

Powder Highlighter:

BECCA Champagne Collection Face Palette 
RRP: $89

As you can see, it is well loved and has been dropped a few times :(

This is the highlight I will use when I want a "bam my highlight is about to blind you" glow. I will use this highlight on top of the Benefit Watts Up! highlighter sometimes to really bring a look together. It surprisingly works quite well together and isn't as crazy as you think it may look. I also use the blush in the shade Pamplemousse to bring a little colour to my cheeks. A little bit goes a long way when it comes to this face palette. While it is pricey, it has so many shades and multi-uses, it also has quite a lot of product, you will struggle to hit pan.

LIPS: MY MOST WORN LIPPIES

Nudes: 

MAC Matte Lipstick in Velvet Teddy and Whirl
RRP: $36

L - R: Velvet Teddy, Whirl

I go between these two colours majority of the time, as Velvet Teddy is the most perfect nude while Whirl is that perfect dark nude if I want something with a little more dimension. I do have the corresponding lip liners, although I do find with MAC if you are eating and drinking, the lipstick will come off and that is something to keep in mind.

Setting Spray:

Urban Decay All Nighter Makeup Setting Spray 
RRP: $23-$49

I'm sure this isn't a surprise at all, but this truly one of the best setting sprays I've ever come across. It just sinks everything into place and truly makes your make up last forever. I don't think I'll ever not use Urban Decay setting spray.


These are my make up ride or die products, and while I don't wear make up a lot, these are the products I'll turn to if I do. I don't think I'll ever stop buying makeup, I went from someone who absolutely hated wearing makeup to someone who loves it. Are there any products on this list that you have tried and loved? Or are there products on this list that you haven't tried but now want to? Let me know!

If you liked this post, feel free to leave a comment down below and tell me what you want to see next!

Acceptance and Moving Forward: Seeking Help to Get Out of This Rut.

Disclaimer: I don't want this to come across as if I am wanting pity when that's the last thing I want. This post more so than anything is for me to face the ugly truth and seek support so I can better myself and move forward with my life with (hopefully!) a clean bill of good health. If no one reads this, so be it, but I'm posting this for me, for me to actually do something about it. Why am I even worrying about a disclaimer? Ugh, hopefully worrying about what other people think of me will be a thing of the past as I move forward.


Acceptance: Accepting the ugly truth whether I want to or not. Because Emily, You just put this out there for everyone to read, so change must happen NOW. Step up. 


I've been struggling.

Wow, feels odd to be pouring these feelings out for the internet to read.

These are really big insecurities of mine, so try not to judge me too harshly maybe?

Mentally, I'm truly struggling.

I've been putting on a brave face, smiling and trying to show strength and honestly, I'm trying to keep it together, but I can't and I accept that now. I know something needs to change.

Don't get me wrong, in the past year I have truly achieved so much in terms of my health... If you had told me a year ago that I would have gone on a 6-week holiday visiting family. If you had told me that on this vacation I would have ridden a camel and walked with crutches for hours on end, I would have laughed at you.

While I know I have achieved a lot, to me, it isn't enough. My self-confidence is low and in all honesty, I'm still trying to move on from last year. Last year put up a lot of mental roadblocks, it changed me as a person. I went out with friends less, I laughed less, I stayed at home day in and day out watching Netflix and doing nothing because I felt so lost. I don't know why I'm using past tense because it's still something I am doing to this day (because who can binge watch 2 seasons of Jane the Virgin in a matter of days?). The only thing that is different now, is that I have accepted this, and I'm finally facing it after trying to avoid it for the longest time.

I'm in a rut, I'm feeling lost and to be completely honest, I don't have much hope. I don't have much hope that I'll be able to return to who I was. I don't have much hope that I can reach my full potential. Not having hope made me also lack motivation. I didn't realise how hard it would be for me to recover from what I went through and I would be lying if I said it wasn't a battle every day. I stopped going out as much and was in bed by 9pm watching youtube and keeping to myself because the idea of socialising was exhausting to me. My mum has been telling me that for the past year I've been in a rut and I can only imagine the sigh of frustration from her that will take place now that I've accepted it and doing something about it. Mother knows best... and my mum is usually right a lot of the time... No one tell her that I said that though.

I accept my current situation for what it is, and I know something needs to change.

I'm currently seeing an exercise physiologist who has given me a number of exercises to do daily while also doing a daily walk. These mental roadblocks have presented itself in lack of motivation. It's not that I don't want to do these exercises, it's the fact that in my mind negative nancy is saying "What is the point? Why are you bothering doing this? You know you will never get back to what you were, You've gained so much weight due to the steroids, you don't even look like yourself let alone actually acting like yourself so why try?". I've accepted that I can't keep living like this because the only person I'm really hurting is me, but where do we go from here?

the supportive group of people in my life

Moving Forward: Asking for help and support as I can't-do this alone- and that's okay.


After talking to my ex phys, we came up with a plan that could help my motivation and help me break free from this groundhog day hell. During the week, while doing my exercises I need to be working towards something, now I know what you're thinking... "DUH Emily. You obviously want to be working towards getting back into a healthy, normal lifestyle..." and while that is ultimately the main goal, I can only achieve that by setting small short-term goals that will work towards the golden ticket at the end.

I was asked what motivated me, what made me want to actually get out of bed and do something and I figured out that exploring my city and doing what I enjoy motivates me. So an example is going to Perth Zoo or going to kings park for a picnic or going to an art gallery, etc. During the week when I do my walking and my exercises, I should be thinking of how this will improve my fitness and strength making my experience at the zoo more enjoyable and so on.

One of the main important factors of this is support, so this is me asking for support. My ex phys said even getting a friend to join on my walks/exercises can make all the difference in terms of my mental health and how I can really see my future, how I can realistically work towards my big goal.

I need support, and this is me asking for it, which isn't exactly easy to do. I still have wonderful and amazingly supportive friends but asking outright for help like this is very difficult for me, but I need to do so if I want to change how I view myself and the steps I will take to get back to working at EB Games and studying Psychology at university. I'm trying, but is what I'm doing at the moment really enough?

In a way by me posting this, this is out there on the internet for everyone to see, so I need to stick to this and actively try to improve myself. I need to make a change, and I'm going to. So, forgetting that I just posted some of my insecurities for everyone to read, can you guys recommend places in Perth that I can explore or even events I can attend? Leave me a comment below or feel free to contact me on my following social media down below!

email (because yes I am a person who regularly uses my email):

emily.dcosta@y7mail.com

snapchat:

emilydcosta

instagram

facebook

Thank you if you're still with me, this post is more like a letter to myself, a call out post if you will. Things need to change and for the first time in a long time, I'm willing to do something about it.

Bye bye to depressed Emily who lacked motivation, letting her condition control her:

Hello to the old Emily who went out, socialised and made the most out of her life. I cannot wait to be you again, soon:






If you liked this post, feel free to leave a comment down below and tell me what you want to see next!

A Spoiler Free Book Review: You by Caroline Kepnes

“The problem with books is that they end. They seduce you. They spread their legs to you and pull you inside. And you go deep and leave your possessions and your ties to the world at the door and you like it inside and you don't want for your possessions or your ties and then, the book evaporates.” 

― Caroline Kepnes, You

I've never read a book quite like 'You' by Caroline Kepnes. It's a thriller that is chilling to the bone and I think what was unsettling to me was how the narrative was told. The book is set in first person, following handsome, smart and pretentious Joe Goldberg; a bookstore owner in New York city who becomes completely and utterly infatuated and obsessed with Bec, an unlucky girl who happened to stumble into his bookshop. Joe will do anything to be the main center of attention in her life, having complete access to her social media and emails, while also possibly attacking people who get in the way of his happy ending with the love of his life.

The first person storytelling is what really makes this book unique, Joe's thoughts are not only completely captivating to read but its also scary to find yourself sometimes siding with him, finding yourself falling for his charm, finding yourself being manipulated. It stumped me how there were times I found myself understanding his insane ways of justifying what he was doing. It was completely fascinating to me to really be able to get inside his head and see this character brought to life.

Caroline Kepnes' writing style has to be commended, the characterization of not just Joe and Bec, but also Peach, Channa and Blythe was so detailed and felt so real to me. It felt as if I really knew these people. I found myself truly submerged in the story and it has been a very long time since a book has done that to me.

It was also alarming to see how big social media had a role in Bec's life. How a tweet here or there can open you up to vulnerability and people being able to use that information to take advantage of you. Kepnes' use of social media was a reminder of the big brother system in 1984 by George Orwell, it carefully depicted what is happening in our everyday lives. It depicted how we open ourselves up to complete strangers online, ultimately making us bait for people like Joe to attack.

The novel had me hooked, it was so interesting to see the lengths that Joe would take to be with Bec. Not only was it creepy and completely terrifying, it was so peculiar to see the thoughts of a predator. The in-depth look at how Joe thought and his relationship to Bec was what completely sold me and what left me wanting more. It was a perfect balance of seduction, darkness, and terror; I can see why this book is turning into a tv show so far starring Penn Badgley as Joe, Shay Mitchell as Peach and Elizabeth Lail as Bec. Watch out for this show, I have a feeling its going to blow up.


 
    Penn Badgley as Joe Goldberg               Elizabeth Lail as Bec
     picture source: imdb.com                       picture source: imdb.com

                              
                                    Shay Mitchell as Peach
                                     picture source: imdb.com
                           

It's Pretty Little Liars meets Gossip Girl, but the content is much more mature and gripping. I definitely recommend this book if you enjoy thrillers, especially Gone Girl and The Girl on The Train as I'm sure you will find this book surpasses them completely. Are there any other books similar to this that I should check out? Leave a comment and let me know!

Caroline Kepnes does have a second book in this series called Hidden Bodies and I've read that she is hoping to write another book after that. I am yet to pick up Hidden Bodies but I plan on doing so today. I can't get enough of Joe as a character and hope to dive deeper into his predatory behaviour.

You can purchase You here and Hidden Bodies here.


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Living with an Invisible Illness: Ulcerative Colitis

Imagine waking up and after going to the toilet you find blood. I'm not talking about the "shit I've got my period" blood, but the "shit I think something might be wrong" blood. You find yourself running to the toilet more often with painful bloating.

Then imagine that you wake up and find that your left knee is throbbing intensely, it feels like someone is hitting your knee with an industrial hammer and the bone in your knee has broken into a million pieces. You can barely walk but you probably just pulled a muscle and it will pass by morning. You wake up the next morning to find that the pain has travelled to your right elbow, but it's not just your right elbow that is throbbing; it's also your left wrist, right ankle and now your left knee as well. You can't walk, you can't feed yourself and you need someone to look after you.

Painful, red, swollen and hot to the touch.

That is what it is like to live with Ulcerative Colitis with associated arthritis in your joints.

This is quite personal for me to post on here, but I'm hoping this may help some of you to understand what your friends, or people you may know who are going through something similar.

Before I talk about my story, I want to write this blog post assuming this is all new information, which it may be for some of you, so I'm going to give you guys some understanding of what a chronic illness is and what ulcerative colitis is. I apologise if I don't explain myself well enough! (If you want to know about my journey, feel free to skip this)

What is a chronic illness?

A chronic illness is a health condition that is long lasting and with persisting effects, now it can be anything minor such as short sightedness to something that is more debilitating, like arthritis. A chronic illness a lot the time doesn't usually have a cure and is, what the word chronic suggests, a life-long condition.

What is Ulcerative Colitis?
Ulcerative Colitis is a little trickier to explain, as this chronic illness is so complex and different for everyone. The most text book definition of U.C is where you have inflammation in your bowel (ulcers in your digestive track) which can cause multiple side effects and discomfort, the most common being bleeding and irregular bowel movements. We are yet to know what is the cause behind Ulcerative Colitis is and at the moment, it's not curable so I have to take daily medications to help ease my symptoms. There isn't enough evidence to suggest that U.C is diet based, although I do have my trigger foods that make living with this condition a lot harder, which can send me into a flare.

Ulcerative Colitis is also known as the invisible disease, an invisible disability, this is definitely something you should keep in mind when you see someone without crutches or a wheelchair parking in a disabled bay or using a disabled toilet. Take this post as an opportunity to educate yourself, not all disabilities are physical, not all fights and struggles can be seen, don't allow ignorance to make a wrong judgement. I'm sure I can speak for not only myself, but others when I have received dirty looks from entering a disabled toilet or parking in a disabled bay. 

November 2016, both hands are swollen (left is worse) which led me to going into hospital

I couldn't shower, eat, get up, go to the toilet by myself and my parents had to help me.

My Journey so far...

It's 2014.

My first year out of high school.

My first year starting uni.

My first year starting a new chapter of my life, entering adulthood and learning about the kind of person I am going to be.

I remember just being so hopeful and excited, but unfortunately none of it worked out the way I hoped it would.

I remember getting symptoms about 2 weeks after I had gotten back from America, my joints were sore and I just assumed that I had pulled a muscle or slept weirdly. I honest to god wish that was the case. It was about 3 months before I was diagnosed and before I found myself in hospital, unable to move, unable to walk, unable to feed, shower or go to the toilet by myself. I was completely paralysed with pain and it wasn't until I had a colonoscopy that they discovered that I had Ulcerative Colitis on the left side of my bowel with enteropathic arthritis. I was put on various medications including steroids to help reduce the inflammation of my joints and I was sent on my way to try and get some normalcy back into my life.

Bowel wise I'm usually okay, which can stump my specialists and doctors as if my bowel is healthy, why am I having such a severe joint reaction? My inflammatory markers would be low, yet my ankle would be the size of Jupiter. My team includes a rheumatologist, gastroenterologist, phsyio, pain psychologist and GP.

I was put on prednisolone (a type of steroid) that caused weight gain, moon face (added roundness of the face) hot flushes, insomnia, power munchies, acne, etc just to name a few side effects. I was also put on Methotrexate (a type of chemotherapy) which is cytotoxic to the touch, so when I take the tablets I have to wear gloves and make sure it doesn't come in contact with my skin... scary right? and yet I am putting this into my body. 

                                                     before diagnosis (before pred)  

after diagnosis (during/after pred) moon face and weight gain

Hey, that doesn't sound too bad right? I was in remission for a year and everything was fine.

Sadly I was mistaken, the worst was far from over.  

After a year of being in remission I had another flare of my bowel and joints (April 2015), which caused me to be put back on prednisolone (between 10-40mg a day) and for the next two years I had trialled different types of biological drugs like remicade, (an infusion that costs $30,000 a year that was thankfully covered by medicare) humira, (a fortnightly injection in my stomach that costs around $30,000 a year, which was again, thankfully covered by medicare) which unfortunately, neither biological drug worked. I would be in and out of hospital and during all of this, my crystal clear skin started getting acne, my slim figure started getting rounder and rounder with the weight gain (I've gained a lot of weight) and my overall positive outlook started to diminish.

50-55 kgs, 1-2 months before diagnosis 2014

70-80kgs after diagnosis Dec 2016 (I don't like taking many pictures of myself for obvious reasons)

Worst Year Yet: 2016

9 Hospital admissions

2 Emergency Med Alerts 

My medication doubled

Rheumatologists basically said they had failed me and that there was nothing more I could do, but you BET your girl proved them wrong.

2016 was the year that my condition has been the worst it has been. In total I had 9 hospital admission over the year and spent close to 4-5 months in Fiona Stanley. In May I discovered that I couldn't walk for more than 5-10 minutes without getting severe back pain which caused me to sit down and to rely on crutches (which is something I am still dealing with). I had trialled Humira for 3 months which did not work and slowly my hope was getting lower and lower as when all odds are against you, its hard to be hopeful and positive but I REFUSED to believe that I wouldn't get better. I kept fighting.

October 2016

June 2016 - January 2017

This is the part of the blog post I've kind of dreaded talking about, typing this sentence, I'm already tearing up as this was by far the most traumatic and the most painful experience in my life. The whole month of June my knees and ankles were swollen and I was basically bed ridden for the month and needed assistance with showering and going to the toilet. I was in denial, I refused to go to hospital until... yes... you guessed it...

• until the oxycodone stopped working
• until the panadeine forte stopped working
• until the tapentadol stopped working
• until the lyrica stopped working

I was at my wits end, constantly crying, being unable to sleep and barely getting through 4 hours of pain relief. We contacted my rheumtologist only to be told that as it is flu season, the hospital is packed and there are no rooms available to me, so, we waited. Every day she would call and update us on the situation at the hospital, until the 7th day where she said "Come into the rheumatology clinic and we will examine your knee and decide whether or not we will admit you".

I may have been in crazy amounts of pain, but I still had my sense of humour

Having faint veins and getting as many injections/cannulas as me isn't fun

25th of July - 29th of September

I was admitted lol.

The only issue was any pain relief they were giving me, nothing was working, so much so that I got high from the various pain killers but I wasn't getting any of the sweet relief I should have been receiving. Nurses and doctors were stumped, until they realised that because I had waited so long before coming into hospital, my pain was harder to control. They decided the next day to do a steroid injection in my knee and I had about 6 hours to prepare myself. They didn't put any numbing cream on me, injected the anesthetics which felt like I was getting stung by a bee, and then proceeded to pull liquid out of my knee .(which they were unable to get any liquid) Which honestly, was one of the worst pains I have ever experienced. After they were unsuccessful trying to get liquid out of my knee, they proceeded to inject the steroid.

Going in for a procedure at Fremantle hospital

I was expecting to see improvements within a few days and expected to be home within a week, but I spent 67 days in hospital (around 2 and a half months). 2 weeks have passed, and my knee hadn't improved in the slightest. Panic starts to set in as I am screaming in pain, every night I would be wide awake due to the severe pain I was in and my rheumatology team decided to have a second attempt at getting fluid out of my knee and trying to reduce inflammation. I remember seeing my parents crying because I was screaming for relief, praying that I could sleep and wake up feeling okay, but unfortunately for me I had to keep fighting just a little while longer. I wish I could have taken their fear and pain away, and while this was all happening I felt extremely guilty because I couldn't control what was happening to me. It was affecting those closest to me in a very difficult way and that was very hard for me to accept.

The injection was successful and I slowly started to gain movement and get better

As you can tell from the caption above, the injection started to work and I was working with a physio who helped increase my movement as all of my specialists have said "movement is GOOD for your joints". My specialists wanted to send me home, my gut was telling me this was a bad idea as I still had issues with pain control. Yet much to my dismay, the specialists sent me home. The same day I was home, that evening my shoulder started to throb and ache, and this was how my anxiety started to rise as I have NEVER had a swollen/inflammed shoulder before. I dismissed it and went to sleep, the next morning my whole left arm was aching with severe pain and I was on so many pain killers that we had to keep a diary. The following day, my whole body had flared, left arm, right arm, both knees and ankles and I was paralysed with pain. My physio visited me at home and said

"why are you home? You need to be in hospital" so we contacted my rheumatologists and they said for me to get back to the hospital as soon as possible.

The third day I had been home before an ambulance took me into hospital

My dad helping me take a snapchat as my heart rate had elevated and needed to be tracked

Due to me being unable to move because of the severe pain, we had to call an ambulance to help me get back to the hospital. I was in so much pain that the paramedics had to carry me onto a stretcher. I was panicking, stressed and wondering what was wrong with me. Wondering why this kept happening to me. Emotionally, I have never been so low before, I spent majority of my days crying, asking for answers and yet receiving nothing. They pumped me with steroids to reduce the inflammation and yet nothing happened, I was seeing a psychologist to try and control the depression and anxiety I was going through which then led me to seeing a psychiatrist but I refused to take anxiety meds, I refused anti depressions because all I wanted was answers, it was NORMAL for me to be going through the emotional rollercoaster I was on.

I stopped replying to messages.

I truly believed I would never get better.

I truly believed I was never going to be able to go home.

I started to accept that this was the life I was going to be living, filled with pain and having questions that would never be answered.

I was starting to get discolouration on my swollen joints, and my specialists still don't know why

While this was all happening, my other knee started to flare and I had to have a THIRD injection, we were able to get about 3ml of fluid out but the recovery was difficult. I had severe pain in my left knee for over 2 weeks, this was the most painful injection I have ever had. When I had the injection, it felt as if the needle had gone through my muscle and I wouldn't wish this kind of pain upon anyone. I was on drugs like ketamine, tapentadol, lyrica, tramadol, etc.

2 Med Emergency Alerts

First Med Alert

This is the part of the blog post that I'm really worried about talking about, as I had 2 emergency situations in the hospital that were very close to going down a very dangerous route. I started coming down with a temperature and nothing was keeping it down and of course during this, my pain was very severe. Due to how high my temperature was, my nurse was in my room the entire time trying to get it down and checking it regularly. My nurse decided to check my heart rate and blood pressure...

Hold on

Pause.

The average heart rate is between 60-100 bpm.

My heart rate went up to 180 bpm.

Next thing I know my nurse has pressed a button and an alarm went off. My mum was ushered out of the room and weren't allowed to come back in and I was surrounded by about 8-10 nurses hooking me up to a heart monitor, asking me questions about my pain and temperature. I was in such a panic because I could see my heart rate increasing which made me panic more. Thankfully, one of the nurses turned the monitor around so I couldn't see it. A doctor came into the room and put a cannula in my arm asking me questions while other nurses hooked me up to different machines. I remember seeing them bring in a defibrillator that was put next to me and was within reach if they needed to use it. I never thought anything like this could happen to me.

I could hear my mum speaking to my dad on the phone outside saying "They won't let me in, they won't let me see her, I don't know whats going on, I don't know if shes going to be okay"and thankfully one of the doctor's heard her and let her in to see me. The main doctor who was setting up my cannula hooked me up to a pain relief machine and all I would have to do is press a button and it would release pain relief every 5 minutes. Finally, I started feeling some relief and slowly my heart rate and temperature came down.

i just remember seeing my mum break down crying, which made me cry because I hated putting her through that. I hated the fact that for a moment, she thought of the worst case scenario.

This was one of the most traumatic experiences for me, and it's still something I am trying to move on from. I thought and prayed that I would never go through that again, and yet, I did.

The delicious cocktail of tablets I have to take morning and night

Second Med Alert

The same thing happened the following night, yet they realised I had serotonin syndrome which they thought could be the reason as to why my heart rate was so high and why I was having such severe pain. Yet there were still questions that had completely stumped my specialists;

Why is my pain so high when all of my tests are coming back negative?

Why am I getting discolouration of my swollen joints?

Why aren't the steroids working? What else could I do?

As this med alert happened, my mum and I didn't panic as much as we knew why it was happening and hoped they would be able to get it under control. They took me off half my pain relief and the following weeks were some of the hardest I had been through. My heart rate went up to 185bpm.

Important family meeting with all of my specialists and the rehab specialists

I then had a meeting with all of my specialists, trying to figure out a game plan for the next following weeks. We talked about me moving to the rehab clinic and the new treatment I was to go under.

I hadn't really had any improvement of my joints and was feeling hopeful for some positive answers from my specialist but I was met with possibly the worst thing you could want to hear.

"We failed you."

"I'm sorry, but we don't have the answers you are after."

"This is one of the most complex cases we have seen with your illness."

"We can only hope for the best, but I'm sorry, there is nothing more we can do for you"

"We can only wait and see if this new treatment works, but we have to be realistic about this"

This is probably the strongest I have EVER been. I didn't cry, I didn't show that I was disappointed, instead I asked;

"Well, what is the next step from here?"

The next step from here was Rehab. I was moved to the Rehab clinic and over the course of three weeks I was pushed physically, with hydrotherapy and gym sessions. I was seeing a new psychologist, I was working hard with my physio and O.T to try and get out of there. I was rewarded with day passes to go home and just have the smallest sense of normalcy.

One of the day passes I had

Being able to see a movie and get dinner on one of the day passes I had

Even though I was so grateful for the day passes, returning to the rehab clinic was so incredibly hard for me, I would cry every time my parents would leave after dropping me off and it was difficult for me because there was nothing more I wanted than to be home.

Slowly, I started to reduce the swelling and pain in my joints and started becoming more and more independent. My rheumatology team visited me and said,

"We never expected you to recover like this, we thought that being in a wheel chair and dealing with the pain was going to be your new normal"

I cannot tell you how good it feels to know I proved them wrong. I cannot tell you the amount of pride I felt because despite the odds, I did it.

I made it.

Eventually, I made it home and although I still had major joint issues and problems, I kept trying to fight back.

side effects of the steroids

#lovinlife

I was on blood thinners that would be injected into my stomach daily and left the most loveliest bruises

Aftermath

Recovering from one of the most traumatic events of my life was not an easy thing and is still something I am trying to overcome. Mentally, I have never been as anxious and depressed as I was. I was so happy to be home but never expected trying to overcome this would be as hard as it was. I added another specialist to my team, a pain psychologist who has helped me immensely.

It was hard opening snapchat and seeing my friends go out to dinner, go to concerts and go out clubbing which is something I wasn't able to do and made it very hard for me to accept my current situation.

I'm still not able to go clubbing or go to a concert, but slowly I am starting to socialise more and trying to move forward with my life. I now have full functionality of my joints and on a day to day basis, don't have any pain.

I still have a very long way to go, but I'm positive because despite the odds, I did it.

Despite the odds, I have been able to for the past 2 months live a normal and healthy life.

My specialists still aren't 100% sure if I have enteropathic arthritis and are thinking I may have psoriatic arthritis. I hope to one day have a definite diagnosis!

 

This was a very long blog post! Thank you if you are still with me. This was a very hard blog post for me to write and I wasn't able to go into as much detail as I would have liked to in fear of this blog post being too long. I would love to write more blog posts similar to this, and definitely plan on doing so in the future.

If you would like any information on Ulcerative Colitis, the website below has been very helpful and beneficial for me.

https://www.crohnsandcolitis.com.au/